Rapunzel Unbound
by Greta Darken
Summary: A sarcastic, somewhat silly retelling of Rapunzel.


**Author's Note:** Yet another one of the fairy tale revisions I did while bored in class one day. While "Gretel and Hansel" was a one-shot, however, this one actually has more than one part. There will probably be one or two more parts after this. Oh, and by the way, if you're offended by bad language you probably don't want to read this.

"Rapunzel"

Once upon a time in a land far, far way that happens to resemble Germany lived a quaint, impoverished couple. One day the wife decided she wanted a baby.

"Are you insane?" the husband asked incredulously. "We're poor. We can barely feed ourselves. Having a child would be irresponsible."

Despite his well-founded logic, the wife felt she had to give in to societal pressure and harp on about the mythical biological clock. Ad nauseam. Eventually the husband gave in and just like that the wife was up the spout. On top of being practically destitute, the husband now had a bitchy pregnant lady to deal with.

A few months later the wife was far too rotund and lazy for manual labor, so she laid in bed and spied on the neighbors. One neighbor was a reclusive old woman who lived in the medieval version of a McMansion and had the most voluptuous garden. The blue vegetables in particular fascinated the strikingly provincial mummy-to-be. She developed quite the fixation on those vegetables that seemed to stare mockingly at her from behind the barbed wire fence. Finally, she snapped.

"Husband?!"

"Yes, dear heart?"

"You see those blue vegetables growing over there?" She indicated with her pointer finger.

"What about them?" The husband didn't like where this was going.

"I want 'em!" she whined.

"I really doubt that woman is going to let me have them for free and, in case you forgot, we're poor."

"So? Steal them then. I doubt she'll even notice."

"Do I look like Jean Valjean to you? I'm not trespassing on private property to steal some friggin' vegetables to satisfy your pregnancy cravings."

Naturally, the wife began to piss and moan until he gave into her whims once again. It was a perilous journey, but the husband was able to get around (or under, rather) the fence and pilfer a few of the vegetables. They were even bluer up close. Miraculously, he didn't get caught.

The wife happily wolfed down the vegetables and then proceeded to ask for more. The husband decided it was useless to protest and returned the following night. This time the house's mysterious occupant was there to greet him.

"Oh shit," the husband uttered in fear. For some reason he knew he should be wary of this old woman.

"Did you honestly believe you were going to get away with this?" the woman asked point-blank.

"Yes."

"Of course you did."

"Look, you don't know what it's like having to deal with a moody pregnant woman and her cravings. It really sucks."

The old woman pondered for a bit. "Listen, I will let you take as many rapunzels as you want if…you give me the child once it's born."

The husband weighed his options and decided that the trade was fair enough.

***

A few more months passed and the couple's child was born. It was a little girl. While debating over names the door to their crappy little cottage blew open to reveal the old woman from next door. They both wondered what brought on this visit. The husband snapped his fingers.

"Oh yeah! I forgot. I promised you our newborn in exchange for the rapunzels." It was as if he just remembered he left the stove on.

"What?! You did _what_?!" the wife shrieked.

"It seemed like a good idea at the time." He shrugged. An awkward silence fell over the trio. The old woman cleared her throat.

"Yes, so, are you going to hand over the child or do I have to kill you?" she asked seriously. The husband was quick to answer.

"I personally would rather be alive. I didn't even want a kid in the first place." He turned to his still speechless wife. "Honey?"

The wife looked from her husband to the old woman to the sleeping infant in her arms. "B-but, I carried her in my womb for nine months. She's our child!" she sputtered.

"I know, dear, but we really only have two choices here," he replied, placating. "Give her the baby or die and give her the baby. I really don't think this is negotiable."

"I'm starting to lose my patience here," the old woman interjected. The husband continued.

"Look, how about we let her have this one and then we can try for another? I think that's a good compromise." Pause. "You don't need the next one, right?" he asked the old woman.

"No. Just this one."

Since the wife didn't really have an argument she decided that her husband had a point and let the old woman take the bundle from her.

"Nice doing business with you," she said before promptly leaving. The husband turned to his wife.

"Please to be having normal cravings next time."

***

The old woman, who was actually a witched named Gothel, named the hapless child Rapunzel. I suppose Gothel was ahead of her time in terms of naming kids stupid things. Anyway, years passed and Rapunzel grew. As it turned out, she had a rare condition that caused her hair to grow abnormally fast and thick. Gothel thought her golden locks beautiful, but Rapunzel hated them.

"Mother Gothel, can't you magic my hair to stop growing?"

"No," Gothel would answer curtly.

One day Gothel decided that she wanted to stunt her daughter's emotional growth at the tender age of twelve before she started to think about awful things like men and sex. She was put into a tower without doors or stairs. There was only a window at the top. Rapunzel couldn't see much from her modest room aside from a bunch of trees and a slice of sky. Unsurprisingly she was often very bored and bided her time doing stereotypically girly things like braiding her hair, singing, and playing the lute. Despite her extremely sheltered life Rapunzel was fairly precocious and educated. Even though she wanted her to be emotionally dependent on her, Gothel didn't wish for Rapunzel to be stupid, so she brought her books to read when she visited each day.

You would think that since she's a witch she could magically teleport herself to the top of the tower, but no. Gothel decided to utilize Rapunzel's long tresses instead. "Rapunzel, Rapunzel: Let down your long hair!" she would call.

One day a prince from a distant kingdom got his dumb ass lost in the woods. His name was Errol because frankly it was annoying enough having to repeatedly write "the husband", "the old woman", etc.. By pure serendipity Errol happened upon the tower. He briefly wondered why the hell there was a tower smack-dab in the middle of the woods when he heard a rustling from close by. Instinctively he hid behind a tree and watched as a haggard-looking old woman approached the tower.

"Rapunzel, Rapunzel: Let down your long hair!" she bellowed. Seconds later a face framed by almost blindingly golden locks appeared at the smallish window. Much to his amazement, said locks cascaded down the side of a tower like a golden waterfall. The old harpy climbed the hair without ripping it from her scalp and they both disappeared.

Errol's adolescent hormones overwhelmed any thoughts of finding his way back home. As soon as he saw the old woman leave about an hour later he walked toward the tower and cleared his throat.

"Um, Rapunzel, Rapunzel: Let down your long hair."

Without really thinking about it, Rapunzel threw her hair over the windowpane once again. To her surprise it wasn't her adoptive mother but a young man that came up to her window. She had only ever read about men and boys in books. As far as she knew they were mythical or had been obliterated from the face of the earth.

"Are you really a man?" Rapunzel asked seriously. Errol just blinked.

"Yes?"

Rapunzel couldn't get over this revelation.

"Wow, so, what is it like?"

"What is what like?"

"Being a man."

Errol hesitated.

"Well, we go standing up."

"Go? Go where?" Rapunzel knew what he meant but she wanted to play with him a bit.

"Why don't you let me in and I will explain."

She shrugged and let him climb inside. He looked around a bit. "Where's the door? The stairs?" Rapunzel stared at him as if he were a moron. "Okay, forget I asked."

"So, what did you mean by 'go'?" Rapunzel asked, continuing the other thread of conversation. Though Errol was an hormonal little bastard he wasn't an absolute imbecile and possessed good social skills.

"I think you know precisely what I meant."

Rapunzel nodded. "So, did you happen upon my tower to have your wicked way with me?"

"Actually, I got lost. My being here," he gestured around him, "is really just a coincidence. When I saw you I may have vaguely entertained thoughts of 'having my wicked way with you', as you put it, but I am not so presumptuous as to assume that you must be easy just because you have ostensibly been trapped in this tower for years without male contact and are hurtin' for it."

"So, kinda 'yes' then?"

"I guess."

"Okay," said Rapunzel, as if it were all perfectly reasonable. After a companionable silence she continued. "Now that you're aware of my situation, aren't you going to tell me what the outside world is like?" She prepared herself for a barrage of vivid descriptions and the loveliness of mankind.

"Eh, it's all right. I'm biased though, being a prince and all. I imagine it really probably sucks for the peasants."

"Oh."

The prince shrugged. "Still, I also imagine it's better than being isolated in a tower," he added quickly.

To be continued...


End file.
